I've done a few pregnancy tests in my life. Sometimes I've wanted one result and sometimes I've wanted another, I've wept over them, felt quietly resigned, felt elated, felt scared to death. It's one of those cyclical things that brings time crashing in, so that every time I test I see those other tests - good and bad - flashing before my eyes. Tonight's test looks relatively tranquil in the pictures, but it was done in the chaotic post dinner bedlam, between dessert and the kid's bath, while Martin washed the dishes.
There's a part of me that wants 100 babies. I love newborns. I love the milky haze of breastfeeding. I love watching babies grow into themselves, discover their smiles, their ha has and their ba bas. I love watching language emerge and dreaming about who they might one day become. The thought of being pregnant again fills me with expectation.
But this probably isn't the best timing for us. I have my thesis due and novels to write. I'm breadwinning at the moment. We're moving next month. I have to get my license. Fred starts kinder soon. We've got no childcare organised for Una. And I must admit, I am a bit scared of pregnancy. I've never suffered post natal depression, but I came close to depression in my first trimester with Una - though admittedly there was a lot of other stuff going on, it's hard to separate out what's what.
My feelings are complicated. If it's positive, if it's 2 bright healthy pink lines, I know what I'm in for. The good and the bad.
But if it's negative, if it's one single line, I'll be sad.
I'll be sadder than I expected to be.
Don't be sad. Be brave. There will be lots more pregnancy tests (whether there are more babies or not) and, hopefully, lots more books.
ReplyDeleteWhat a perfect interpretation of this month's theme... most of us have probably been in this situation at least once...
ReplyDelete:-(
ReplyDeleteI hope you get a different result when the timing is better.
xx
Sorry your expectations were not quite realised, but what a wonderful representation of that equivocal moment you have captured here. Do you get a prize in the challenge? this deserves one. Regular little digital short story.
ReplyDeleteah, i had a few of them. i was surprised at the sadness that came with the single line.
ReplyDeleteand be happy. because really, if it was a great time for it to be happening, then it would happen.
Penni, I gasped when I saw the title to this post.
ReplyDeleteyeah, I've done more tests than I care to admit, with different hopes attached too. I loved the way you strung it out though, event as I was hoping for joyful news for you guys...
oh :(
What a bittersweet moment - you are brave to share this one with the world.
ReplyDeleteHow open this is...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you didn't get the result you hoped for. Hopefully very soon you will see two dark lines!
Amelia
I know exactly how you feel - the strange desire to have lots and lots of babies (more than you think you can handle or afford) and yet the fear of it all as well.
ReplyDeleteMany, MANY times I've been concerned and worried that I might be pregnant - but then bizarrely disappointed when it turns out to be a false alarm.
I'm just in awe of your skill in telling a story.
ReplyDeleteSo bittersweet; I hope you're at peace with it.
ooooh - and I was so busy blathering on about myself I forgot to say - sorry you didn't get the result you wanted. :(
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for all your lovely supportive comments. I'm finding the self portrait challenge really fascinating, it interests me that it's made me blog already in quite a different way. I realise I don't really blog about myself very much, not in such a personal way.
ReplyDeleteIt's a fleeting sadness, which is part of the nature of it I guess, everything in cycles and circles. I am looking forward to more pregnancy tests, it's an incredibly heightened 2 minutes.
THis was like watching a great documentary - fantastic blogging.
ReplyDelete